In love, in work, in relationships—

there are so many things we do that make us wonder,

“What’s the point of doing this?”

Checking someone’s social media over and over.

Looking through old photos for no particular reason.

Writing a message you never actually send, then deleting it.

Taking a different route home just because something tells you to.

Posting something without really knowing why.

If you stop and think about it,

you might wonder,

“What is this actually going to change?”

But I don’t think I can simply call all of those things meaningless.

Because sometimes, something that seems completely pointless at the time ends up leading somewhere.

You go out that day for no particular reason.

You decide to reach out.

You go somewhere on a whim.

And at the time, none of it seems important.

But then you meet someone.

You discover something.

You remember something you had forgotten.

And years later, you look back and think,

“Maybe that was where it all started.”

So I don’t think an action that doesn’t lead to an immediate result is necessarily meaningless.

But the opposite is true, too.

You can make a plan.

Choose what seems like the right thing to do.

Think carefully about the timing.

Do everything you possibly can.

And still—

nothing happens.

Sometimes that hurts even more.

Because then you start wondering,

“I did everything I was supposed to do. So why didn’t anything change?”

But I think that happens, too.

Taking action doesn’t guarantee that reality will change.

Putting in the effort doesn’t guarantee that someone will choose you.

Doing the “right” thing doesn’t always lead to the right outcome.

And sometimes, doing nothing doesn’t mean that nothing happened.

That’s the difficult part.

Maybe we want to believe that every action has a purpose, and that if we take the right actions, the right results will eventually follow.

But reality isn’t always that clean.

Something that seemed meaningless can end up becoming incredibly important.

Something that seemed like the perfect move can lead absolutely nowhere.

And sometimes, you can spend years moving forward without realizing that you’ve actually been going in circles.

So I don’t want to end this by simply saying,

“Taking action is what matters.”

I think there’s something more important to ask.

Why am I doing this?

And then—

What is this actually creating in my life?

In love, for example,

checking someone’s social media every day is an action.

Texting them over and over is an action.

Purposely creating distance is an action.

Going to see them is an action.

Even walking away is an action.

But taking action doesn’t automatically make you brave.

And doing nothing doesn’t necessarily mean you’re doing nothing at all.

Sometimes we act simply because we’re trying to escape our anxiety.

And sometimes, choosing to stay still and wait can be one of the biggest decisions we ever make.

So instead of telling yourself,

“I need to do something meaningful,”

maybe it’s more important to stop once in a while and ask yourself:

What is this actually creating?

If it eventually leads somewhere, that’s beautiful.

And even if it doesn’t, maybe something was still left behind in you.

But if you keep getting hurt in the exact same place,

nothing changes,

and you keep telling yourself,

“Maybe someday this will all mean something,”

then maybe it’s okay to finally ask:

“Does this really have meaning anymore?”

Chasing a dream,

loving someone,

believing in something—

none of these things have to be perfectly rational.

People aren’t that rational to begin with.

Maybe meaning isn’t something that exists from the very beginning.

Maybe it’s something we discover later, when we look back.

That’s why I don’t want to make fun of the things we once thought were meaningless.

I don’t want to erase every moment that seemed like a waste of time.

But at the same time,

I don’t want to stay somewhere nothing is changing just because I keep telling myself,

“Someday, this has to mean something.”

Moving forward matters.

Staying still matters, too.

There are days when it’s okay to do things that make absolutely no sense.

Sometimes the meaning comes later.

I just think we should stop every once in a while and look at where we’re actually headed.

Because I don’t think life is a place where the people who make all the right choices are guaranteed all the right outcomes.

And maybe that’s exactly why—

a day you once thought meant absolutely nothing can become, years later, one of the most meaningful days of your life.

Honestly,

I think that happens more often than we realize.

心晴れるまで

土屋梨沙